Mike Taylor

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Tag: Conflict

  • How to win an argument

    A few important questions to ask for a successful argument:

    • Will arguing my viewpoint benefit the other person? 
    • Am I too emotional?
    • Am I too dedicated to my viewpoint?
    • Am I excited when they say something wrong?
    • Am I looking for validation?
    • Am I speaking more than I’m listening?

    If the answer to any of these is yes, then your head isn’t ready to argue yet.

    Then ask…

    • Am I empathizing?
    • Do I know what they value?
    • Do I know why they’re arguing for what they’re arguing for?
    • Have I clearly communicated the reason behind my argument?
    • Am I prepared to compromise?
    • Am I giving them the benefit of the doubt?

    If the answer to any of these is no, then your heart isn’t ready to argue yet.

    The truth is always found somewhere between your beliefs and others’. Always. No matter how wrong they seem.

    If you prepare your heart and mind for that reality, then arguments become generous acts of back and forth for the sake of a deeper discovery of truth.

    We both win.

    And man…

    Imagine the world we would live in if we approached it that way.

  • How to argue better

    The key to growth is better conflict, not less conflict.

    But we usually connect conflict with failure.

    What’s interesting, though, is that a growing body of research is finding that healthy conflict is good for development.

    Christine Carter, Ph.D., Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center says:

    “Research shows that learning positive conflict resolution brings loads of benefits to kids, boosting their academic performance and increasing their self-confidence and self-esteem. It has also been linked to increased achievement, higher-level reasoning, and creative problem solving.”

    In their book Nurture Shock, authors Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman say:

    “In taking our marital arguments upstairs to avoid exposing the children to strife, we accidentally deprived them of chances to witness how two people who care about each other can work out their differences in a calm and reasoned way.”

    Here’s what professionals have found about how to argue well:

    Argue about resolvable issues, not nebulous complaints.

    Concrete issues can be resolved. Character flaws and emotional obscurities cannot.

    Researchers say, “Being able to successfully differentiate between issues that need to be resolved versus those that can be laid aside for now may be one of the keys to a long-lasting, happy relationship.”

    Also, good conflict requires being emotionally sober.

    Conflict puts our brain into fight or flight, and we’re incapable of thinking clearly.

    The chemicals released in an emotional state make us emotionally “drunk”.

    Bring yourself back to the present. Go for a walk, call a friend, read, or work out. 

    Do something to give your lizard brain a break so the chemicals can dissipate.

    And remember the goal:

    Unity is more important than being right.

    You don’t have to be right to experience progress.

    In fact, you rarely can have both.

    Most fights simply come from unmet expectations. So being willing to give up the need to be right is half the battle.

    Mental health expert Dr. John Delony says, “We think in pictures but we speak in words.” 

    Most relational problems stem from bullishly chasing different visions.

    So here’s simple part:

    Two people who are not emotionally drunk, who are willing to not be right, who argue about solvable problems…

    They grow through conflict rather than caving under the weight of it.

  • Emotional intoxication

    Being right feels good. Chemically, it’s a drug.

    When you feel like you’re right, your brain is flooded with adrenaline and dopamine. 

    You’re on top of the world, in control, dominant, and powerful. 

    It’s easy to become dependent on that feeling for self worth. 

    Before you know it, you’re addicted to being right.

    This is why people poke and prod just to get a reaction out of someone. 

    This is why people jump into an argument on social media to bicker over something that’s essentially meaningless. 

    They’re addicted to being right. 

    Certainty can also become an addiction. 

    When we feel like what we’re doing is not 100% right or safe, there’s tension in the uncertainty, and we start missing the adrenaline and dopamine hits.

    That’s why starting something new is so appealing.

    The change in direction gives us that ever-elusive high of finding something that feels “right”.

    A study found that “a rush of dopamine accompanies fresh experiences of any kind.”

    Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps us feel pleasure, and anytime we find something new or feel like we’ve achieved something, that dopamine makes us feel important and victorious.

    So we ride from one high to the next rather than doing the hard work of digging in, pushing through conflict, and dealing with the friction of uncertainty. 

    Friction in the form of conflict or resistance causes your body to release cortisol, which is your stress hormone.

    Cortisol causes the thinking, reasoning, and compassionate side of your brain to go off-line. 

    When this happens, you go into “fight or flight“ mode. Your body goes into “lizard brain” mode, and its only goal is to survive. 

    That’s when the hunt for dopamine begins.

    And the cycle continues.

    To get your brain back online and out of the dopamine hunt, try this:

    Do something distracting to sober up emotionally.

    Walk, talk to a friend, play a game or watch a movie…do anything to throw your mind off the scent of the quick win it’s craving.

    It’s intoxicating to have a mountaintop moment, but you don’t need it. 

    You don’t need a cheap, quick win.

    You don’t need to ruminate or “vent”.

    Ruminating and dwelling on obsessive thoughts only feeds your brain‘s desire to be right.

    Step away, take a breath, and give yourself the space you need to make a reasonable and compassionate choice rather than fighting for another chemical hit.

    Box breathing techniques are particularly helpful to bring your mind to the present moment.

    You can also take notice of the objects around you or start counting your fingers and toes. 

    The goal is to engage the part of your brain that thinks rationally and compassionately so your survival-mode lizard brain can take a break.

    And in the margin required to emotionally sober up, you’ll be surprised how clearly you can see things.