(If you’re dealing with panic right now, skip to the bottom.)
Last night, panic showed up.
Not the band. The band would’ve been much cooler.
This was the old familiar feeling of a panic attack.
It was 2:30 am, and I woke up to use the bathroom. I had just had a dream that I can’t remember, but I do remember I woke up with a slight pit in my stomach.
It was fear that something was coming. Maybe it was sickness, maybe it was just the expectation of something bad.
It’s wild how expectations can create realities.
I laid back down and I could feel the thoughts coming.
The internal dialog went something like this:
“There’s a pit in my stomach. Am I getting sick?”
“I’m not getting sick.”
“But what if…”
“I’m not. Go to sleep.”
“If I am getting sick, this is the beginning of hours of misery. And there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“That’s right. If it’s coming, it’s coming. Nothing I can do about it.”
“Now my nose is stopped up. It’s hard to breathe. I can’t get a full breath…”
“Calm down. You’re fine.”
“Oh no, I really can’t get a full breath…”
“This is temporary. Sit with it. Ride it out. It’s just a wave of anxiety. It can’t do anything to you.”
“I feel like I’m going crazy.”
[at this point I feel the wave of butterflies start in the middle of my stomach and shoot out to my entire body]
“Here it is. The panic is coming…”
“It can’t do a thing to me. Thank you Lord for being right here.”
[I’m laying on my stomach and I feel God say to turn over and lay flat on my back with my arms out and my legs fully extended.]
“I give everyone and everything to you, Lord.”
[I start box breathing for a minute, then because my breaths are rapid, it freaks me out more that I can only breath for 2 seconds in and 2 seconds out. So I stop box breathing and keep releasing control to God.]
“I give it all to you, Lord. You’re in control. My body and my life is in your hands, not my own. Let what comes, come.”
I laid there for a few minutes facing the panic without trying to control it. Just noticing it and sitting with it.
At that point I felt what I can only describe as a calm discomfort.
The next thing I remember is waking up at 5:30 am.
Panic came and the panic went. And just like every other time, I was fine. It didn’t do anything to me.
If I had been sick, running with spiraling thoughts wouldn’t have helped a thing.
If it’s coming, it’s coming. So what. Let it.
As Shaun Johnson says in his book Attacking Anxiety:
You’re not crazy, you’re not alone, and this will pass.
I’ve done this enough to know that this is a truth you can count on:
“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty […]
You will not fear the terror of night … nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness …
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes […]”
(Psalm 91:1, 5-8)
If you’re wrestling with panic, listen to this:
Then listen to / read these: