The key to growth is better conflict, not less conflict.

But we usually connect conflict with failure.

What’s interesting, though, is that a growing body of research is finding that healthy conflict is good for development.

Christine Carter, Ph.D., Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center says:

“Research shows that learning positive conflict resolution brings loads of benefits to kids, boosting their academic performance and increasing their self-confidence and self-esteem. It has also been linked to increased achievement, higher-level reasoning, and creative problem solving.”

In their book Nurture Shock, authors Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman say:

“In taking our marital arguments upstairs to avoid exposing the children to strife, we accidentally deprived them of chances to witness how two people who care about each other can work out their differences in a calm and reasoned way.”

Here’s what professionals have found about how to argue well:

Argue about resolvable issues, not nebulous complaints.

Concrete issues can be resolved. Character flaws and emotional obscurities cannot.

Researchers say, “Being able to successfully differentiate between issues that need to be resolved versus those that can be laid aside for now may be one of the keys to a long-lasting, happy relationship.”

Also, good conflict requires being emotionally sober.

Conflict puts our brain into fight or flight, and we’re incapable of thinking clearly.

The chemicals released in an emotional state make us emotionally “drunk”.

Bring yourself back to the present. Go for a walk, call a friend, read, or work out. 

Do something to give your lizard brain a break so the chemicals can dissipate.

And remember the goal:

Unity is more important than being right.

You don’t have to be right to experience progress.

In fact, you rarely can have both.

Most fights simply come from unmet expectations. So being willing to give up the need to be right is half the battle.

Mental health expert Dr. John Delony says, “We think in pictures but we speak in words.” 

Most relational problems stem from bullishly chasing different visions.

So here’s simple part:

Two people who are not emotionally drunk, who are willing to not be right, who argue about solvable problems…

They grow through conflict rather than caving under the weight of it.