Mike P. Taylor

Depression has been rising for 20 years. And there’s at least one obvious culprit.

As Andy Andrews says in his book The Noticer, life’s opportunities and encouragement come from relationships.

It seems simple, but it’s a profound truth we’ve forgotten in a digital age.

Relationships bring meaning to life.

An 80-year study conducted by Harvard researchers concluded that, “Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.”

And if you want better relationships, communication is vital.

Relationships are the product of communication – both verbal and nonverbal.

Today, though, most communication happens digitally. 

One survey found that for Millenials and Gen Z, over 70% of daily communications happen digitally rather than in-person.

It’s probably not a stretch to say that your relationships are being built on a digital foundation.

Research is finding more and more that it probably isn’t a good thing.

Here’s what researchers have found about the value of in-person interactions:

• Face-to-face relational interactions are connected to lower depressive symptoms and higher life satisfaction
• Face-to-face relations are associated with richer relations and stronger social ties than those developed through technology-based engagement
• Heightened screen time is broadly associated with poorer mental well-being
• Working in-person (in an office) helps boost innovation and creativity
• The most valuable and effective communication is done in-person
• Face-to-face requests are 34 times more effective than emailed ones
• In-person presentations increase neural activity and engagement relative to the same faces in virtual “Zoom-like” on-line mode
• Using text-based communication for complex tasks like negotiating, decision-making, or problem-solving, negatively impacts a person’s interest and performance

It’s pretty clear:

Digital communications are not a good way to build relationships and work together towards shared goals.

Researchers generally agree that nonverbal communication (body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, even physical proximity) plays a significant role in how we process information and how we decide to trust people. 

The famous 7/38/55 rule of communication from Albert Mehrabian suggests that as much as 93% of communication is nonverbal (words are 7% of the message, tone of voice is 38%, and body language is 55%).

The human voice also plays a significant role in communicating and connecting. 

According to research, “There are linguistic cues that come through someone’s voice that suggest a feeling and thinking mind […] And since connecting with somebody means getting a little closer to their mind, voice-based communication makes that easier or more likely.”

Other studies have also come to the same conclusion – there’s something about hearing a person’s voice that enables us to connect more easily.

When you communicate with someone via text, you’re essentially trying to build a relationship with one hand behind your back and two feet tied together.

And we wonder why our relationships feel like they’re struggling.

It’s vital for our health to prioritize in-person interactions with the people we want to build relationships with.

Your thoughts are almost guaranteed to be at least a little misunderstood through email or text.

Research has shown that emotion cannot be accurately conveyed through email – even if the person you’re sending it to is a friend of yours.

When motives are in question, people typically assume the worst. 

Humans are naturally inclined towards criticism, negativity, and catastrophizing.

One study found that as much as 70% of thoughts and internal chatter are negative. 

The only way to overcome the human tendency to misunderstand intentions and assume the worst is to use all the communication tools available to you – 90% of which are only available face-to-face.

If you want to build a connection with someone, solve a problem, make a plan, or work through conflict, it’s almost always better face-to-face.

Change always begins with a perspective shift.

The apostle Paul wrote to the Colossians, “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

Their perspective was split – partly on Jesus, partly on the culture around them.

The good news of Jesus was being blended with other beliefs.

Paul urges them to take their eyes off what the world offers.

Give up alternate sources of significance, status, and comfort.

If you’ve ever wrestled with stress, anxiety, depression, or panic, this is more profound than it sounds.

Release is the only path to freedom and peace.

Chasing structure, comfort, money, or anything else will always end with emptiness.

Chasing causes:

• Chronic fatigue
• Hopelessness
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Obsession
• Hyperactivity

When you chase “more”, the chase never ends.

You just spin around and around trying to keep up – medicating with anything that will work along the way.

Caffeine, alcohol, sex, food, shopping…

It never ends.

Jesus said “whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”

Release is the only way out.

Just before he said the line above, Jesus said, “you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”

Release always starts with a shift in perspective.

Romans 12:2 says, “…be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is…”

The order is important:

Be transformed…

by…

the renewing of your mind.

This is the power of perspective.

If you want peace and freedom, spend more time on perspective than performance.

When pushed to decide, humans lean towards acceptance.

Lack of acceptance is scary – it’s terrifying.

Acceptance usually equals survival, so it makes sense.

It feels safe and comfortable because it gives us the perception of control.

If I’m accepted, I have less things to worry about being outside of my sphere of influence.

If I’m not accepted, it feels like I have people against me, which feels like chaos.

Because acceptance is so comfortable, it can quickly become the thing we’re willing to sacrifice everything for.

And what you sacrifice to, you worship.

So if you’re going to give something up, just make sure it’s on the right altar.

Most people aren’t held back by a lack of knowledge, opportunity, health, wealth, or wellbeing.

The single barrier blocking most of us is fear.

Fear tells you:

• keep everything under control
• be safe
• don’t be too vulnerable
• limit risk
• don’t dream
• don’t trust
• don’t get your hopes up

It stunts our ability to grow, lead, and impact the people around us.

And it’s very subtle. It comes from past hurts and it waits beneath the surface for years.

We get hurt, then we isolate, then we hold onto the pain because it feels like something we deserved.

Unknowingly, we feed fear.

But at the root of fear is something much sneakier – the need for control.

See, the fruit of fear is easy to spot:

• Anger
• Stress
• Worry
• Feelings of insignificance
• So on and so forth

But you’ll notice that these pop up whenever things feel out of control.

Control feels safe, so we learn to chase it. 

When we realize we can’t have it – because we can never truly have full control of anything in life – the body goes into fight or flight.

This is the essence of anxiety.

It’s caused by unthrottled and mismanaged thoughts about situations that are outside of our control.

This is also the cycle of fear. 

What we do with the desire for control is what will determine whether or not fear grows inside of us.

We can do one of two things:

1. Be willing to sit with the discomfort of what’s uncontrollable without trying to fix it (which is REALLY difficult)
2. Run in circles chasing a solution until our brains go haywire with stress, anxiety, and panic

Unresolved pain will always lead us to option B.

A person with an open wound has to give up control to a doctor to get healed. 

Hiding the wound until it gets infected would cause unnecessary pain, anger, fear, and irrational behavior.

Fighting for control usually leads to the opposite of what you want.

Release is simple, yet counter-intuitive:

Practice release in the small, mundane things, and start storing up positive outcomes.

“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart…” (Luke 6:45)

Memories drive behavior.

Give your brain micro-experiences of releasing control throughout your day, and start storing up positive outcomes (not all will be positive, so more reps are better).

With a memory bank of positive outcomes, releasing control will feel less and less like a death sentence.

And over time, you’ll see that life and healing go hand in hand with release.

Driven people with character are dangerous.

Those people are the ones who create a better world.

Both are key – drive and character.

One without the other is like separating sodium from chlorine in sodium chloride, also known as salt.

These two become salt only when they’re together.

When separated, both sodium and chlorine are dangerous and volatile.

If the formula for salt is sodium (Na) + chlorine (Cl), then the formula for building driven people of character – the “salt” of the earth, is this:

Urgency (to solve an important problem) + Patience (the willingness to work and wait for progress) = Driven People of Character.

I call it “patient urgency”.

You must have both urgency and patience.

Just like sodium and chlorine are harmful on their own, so too are urgency and patience.

Urgency without patience kills character.

Patience without urgency kills drive.

When they come together, though, you get a rare mixture that both preserves and improves everything it touches.

There’s a widely-accepted lie in our culture that we sort of blindly embrace.

It’s like Santa Clause for adults.

The lie we all willingly believe in is the lie of control.

The signs of this lie are everywhere:

• Anger from frustration
• Fear, anxiety, and worry
• Stress and sickness
• Selfishness and disunity

These are all byproducts of a mind that is set on control but can never find it.

We decide that our ideal – our “Eden” – is something we can create.

But God (and the laws of the universe) plan otherwise.

Here’s where the disconnect comes from:

We’ve been programmed by modern advancements to believe that everything around us is under our control.

With one glance at the device in my pocket, I can instantly know what the weather will be like for the next 10 days or more.

I can instantly get a virtual tour of the Eiffel Tower anytime I want. 

I can speak with anyone, anywhere on this planet, instantly whenever I decide to.

No other generation in history has had the level of access and control that we have today.

Every other generation had to become very comfortable with uncertainty. 

Before the industrial revolution, families depended on whether cycles to bring them crops. Survival itself depended on elements that were outside of their control.

They:

• ate what was available
• did activities that were available
• wore what was available
• worked at jobs that were available
• used the products and services that were available

…and they learned to deal with circumstances as they came.

But now we have options for everything. 

Jobs, food, clothes, friends, church, entertainment – we have endless choices.

And a major side effect of a culture filled with options is the misconception that certainty is just within reach.

But it’s an illusion.

The best plans can instantly change. 

Weather patterns get interrupted, family members get sick, jobs cease to exist, and our worlds of comfort and predictability can be stripped away in an instant (consider 2020 for reference).

When you realize certainty is an illusion, life gets simpler.

Control, and the desire for certainty, is a form of self-captivity. You’re only stuck because you’re looking for something to hold onto.

Imagine being stuck inside a jail cell because you won’t let go of the bars.

But freedom comes from release – letting go of the need for certainty.

And when you let go, you start to realize that what you were holding onto so desperately was a self-created captivity.

One day a psychology professor stepped in front of her class, filled a glass full of water, and raised it where everyone could see.

The professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”

Students shouted out answers ranging from eight ounces to a couple pounds. 

The professor then replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass doesn’t matter. It all depends on how long I hold it.”

“If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light.”

“If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache a little.”

“If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will cramp up and go numb, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor.”

“In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”

Stresses and worries in life are very much like that glass of water. 

When carried for short periods of time, they have relatively no effect. 

But the longer you ruminate, focus on them, and try to hold them without balance and rest, the more they hurt you. 

At first, you begin to ache a little, but after a while, that same amount of relatively small weight can make you feel completely numb and paralyzed – incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.

You can carry a lot more than you think – but only when you do it a little at a time. 

Platforms are polarizing:

Some desire them, some despise them.

Which one is right?

If a platform is simply a structure intended to elevate a person or idea for the purpose of increased attention…

…then the platform itself might not be the problem.

The most important question is: who or what is on the platform?

We need more people building platforms (see Matthew 5:16 & Proverbs 22:1) and less putting themselves on top of them (see Matthew 23:12 & Acts 12:23).

Christianity, by the numbers, is fading fast in America.

That might not be a bad thing.

Because it’s probably not the real issue.

Maybe what’s fading is the shiny replica of the Church that we created.

The one built on polished sermons and impressive stages.

The one more concerned with attendance than presence.

The one more concerned with comfort than breakthrough.

Maybe the world doesn’t hate Jesus. Maybe they just haven’t seen much of him lately.

What they’ve seen most is a cheap replica – just close enough to fool the untrained eye.

And they’re not wrong to feel let down.

Jesus said we’d be known by our love. 

Yet somehow we’re most known for our judgement.

It’s no wonder people started walking away.

Not from God, but from the off-brand version of him we’ve presented.

Maybe the decline isn’t rejection. Maybe it’s actually a longing.

Maybe the world is still hungry for Jesus, but they’re done settling for what we’ve been serving.

Jesus never said to build churches. He said to make disciples.

He said to take up your cross, not your platform.

The early Church looked very different.

They shared everything they had willingly.

We get mad if anyone talks about money in church.

They met together every single day.

We show up twice a month when it’s convenient.

They broke bread in their homes and centered their lives around communion.

We go to a small group every couple weeks and sip juice from plastic cups once a quarter.

They prayed constantly.

We say formulaic, surface level prayers and only in the transitions in the service.

They were known for their conviction and love for one another.

We’re known for condemnation.

They were united.

We’re divided in every way imaginable.

People noticed them and they grew.

People are noticing us and we’re shrinking.

The difference is stark.

Maybe we need to stop asking how to get people back into church and start asking how to get the Church back into people.

Because the world is tired of the show.

And good for them.

They want to be seen. To be healed. To be loved. To encounter something real.

And if they can’t find that in us, then maybe we’re the ones who’ve gone missing.

What does it really mean to be a man?

Examples are getting harder to come by.

I can tell you it’s rarely done well, but here’s what I’ve noticed in the men who’ve done it right:

A real man shows honor.

He builds others up instead of tearing them down. In fact, he hates tearing people down.

He speaks well of people, even when it doesn’t make sense.

He isn’t threatened by someone else’s strength or their weakness. He embraces both.

A real man serves.

He forsakes self-preservation.

He shows up when it’s inconvenient.

He thinks of himself less, not less of himself.

He protects and provides first and foremost.

He doesn’t virtue signal and he’s okay if people don’t like him for it.

A real man is courageous. Not because he’s strong, but because he still shows up when he isn’t.

He confronts his past instead of avoiding it.

He cries.

He faces discomfort instead of looking for an escape.

A real man is honest about his imperfections.

He doesn’t hide weakness. He relishes in his own growth opportunities.

He gives grace. Lots of it.

He values wholeness over perfection. And he knows the difference intimately.

Most importantly, he knows his place, he bows his head, and he bends his knee to his Creator.

This is what manhood should look like.

Let’s pray we never lose our examples.